Elle Effect Photography

I am bursting with excitement about things to come.. it’s overwhelming me again right now. Yet, I am so quiet. I feel like I’m driving, walking, speaking (when I do) in slow motion (fyi: good song - slow motion by autumn people). I’m not sure where to start in explaining it all. I’m not sure if I should. I’m not really in a place where I want my heart out there - or on the line - or, whatever. I just don’t want to. It’s beating, it’s thriving, it’s alive. I’m going to keep it that way.

Last night, I was sitting at my desk working. I’ve had quite a few jobs lately that I need to catch up on, get a head start on, etc. I had been sitting there for hours. Music adorned as usual… these crazy mixes that I make myself from time to time. Then it hit me - I wanted to go to the sanctuary.

See, I live about 3 minutes from my home church. Its traditional feel, wooden beams and empty pews at odd hours of the day (or night) have comforted me in the past. So, I went.

It’s 9:30. Not late, really. I brought a boom box with a few mix CDs - Sigur Ros, Four Tet,  Copeland, the Album Leaf, the Fray, Talkdemonic, Sufjan Stevens, Brooke Waggoner, Rachael Yamagata… just to name a few. Not a soul was there. No cars in the parking lot. Every door locked. I unlocked the side door with my trusty set of keys, walked into the cool sanctuary, set down the boom box, set down my messenger bag (I’ve always got that thing with me) with 2 books, ESV, journal and identification in it. I sat on the floor.

I flipped through song after song… working on some new choreography floating around in my mind. I danced for about an hour. I was lost for that hour. I wasn’t in the sanctuary. I wasn’t in this state. I’m not sure where I was. But, wherever it was… it was safe. I was safe. Dancing takes me there.

I finally slid down on my stomach on the stage. Pulled out the journal and jotted down some thoughts. I was restless. Content, discontent, restless and peaceful all at the same time.

Some jotted down notes, thoughts…

“Your agenda can blind you when the eyes of self are prominent.”

“Tall, tall, tall You are
Small, small, small am I

I’m sure many would come to think that this perspective would be degrading.
On the contrary. It is the most refreshing and releasing perspective.
There is something greater than I.
I have a Creator.
That Creator’s name is Love.
Love knows me, engulfs me, molds me.
Love leads me.
Love is beautiful and also just.

Funny, when you’re in a magnificent space…
Silence is so big, so loud.

You hear every crack, creek and crank.

You know you get a bit scared - you know you do.
The cars outside the window move -
light changes
shifts
disappears for but a second
and your head turns quickly.

You feel someone watching you.
You hear your breathing pattern and mouth open, move and close.

Then - all is okay. All is fine.

Still, your fast heart rate remains -
and that feeling that slowly moves down your spine catches up with you…

You give in.

Music clicks back on.
Bounces.
Walls, tall.
Room, large.
You, small.
He, tall.
Perspective, gained.”

“It’s the times that you don’t want to be seen that you are,
and the times you want to be seen, you aren’t.”

After this, I turned off the music. I made myself sit in silence. I do love the silence, but I still struggle with it… even more so in a large, empty space. It’s more prominent. God and I had a heart to heart for the next while - I don’t know how long it was. I didn’t want to leave that place until I had changed.

I glanced at the clock - 10:59. Oh my gosh, the church sets the alarm at 11. I stand up from the piano bench and the clock literally flips to 11:00. I didn’t move. Immediately, the hall starts screeching. The alarm goes off about 7 times and I started laughing. I called my Dad. He knows everything. He drives 3 minutes to the church and we start talking through the door. I warned him not to get too close… but regardless, it went off. Yes, the alarm says:

-lauren