Elle Effect Photography

I potentially shouldn’t be writing when I’m this tired. I have a small dilemma going on in my head. It’s been distracting me, causing me to zone at work and daydream while driving alone… hm. After my long day today, I didn’t want to just go home- so I went to a friend’s house. We sat on the couch and sorted things out silently. I love when someone can do that with me. It’s something I treasure. I hadn’t eaten properly today, so she saved my life with a bagel and cream cheese. Thank you, friend.

Her Dad told stories to us from way back when. How he hitchhiked from Charleston to LA when he was 19 with $75 dollars in his pocket and lived there for 3 months, how many bands he’s toured with, what drugs he tried (ha), how he met his wife (she was a sound tech for a show he played) - the list just goes on. I was totally lost in all of his stories. We laughed and I told him he needed to write a book.

I think I’m ready to take some serious chances. My friend told me that out of all the “artsy” things I do, her overwhelming favorite is when I dance. Everyone has their “thing” they live in - that thing they go to sleep thinking about, dream about and wake up with. Yes, I see pictures everywhere I go… angles, people, lighting, conceptual ideas… I adore it. But, dance… it awakens me to a place where my soul lays bare on the stage. I need to dance like that again - and this time, with people in the room. I need to… and I will.

So, here is my little dilemma. I need to go to school. I’ve never really dreamt about going to some school, but that’s doesn’t mean I don’t need it. This year off has been exactly what I needed - but next year is coming fast and decisions have to be made. I know I’ll be moving here sometime in the near future (probably before I go any school). But, that’s another story. I’ll stick to the current.

Have you ever had one of those writing assignments where you have to narrow every little thing down to something even smaller and write about it? When I first get an assignment like that, I feel like I’m gonna go crazy. Then, I realize that I have to take it one step at a time and narrow it alllll down and begin writing. That’s how I feel right now concerning my passions in life. What to really narrow it down to.

Okay, let’s dream big and ridiculous for a second.

I’ll go to school. Get my associates in art focusing on photography with a possible minor in dance choreography. Throughout the entire process, I’ll study abroad for a semester and yet another semester I’ll do all online courses and travel.. potentially touring playing music with Andrew, running sound and taking photos along the way. I’ll finish school. Graduate. Be happy. Get excited. Wonder what in the world to do next. Maybe spend a month in Africa - or some place I really feel would benefit from what I can give… and give it all wholeheartedly. 1. I’m a free lance photographer - hopefully meeting with authors to discuss book covers, releasing series of photographs in books with poetry, traveling doing shoots, etc. 2. I’m a free lance dance choreographer - hire me two months in advance, provide ideas/music, fly me to wherever you are and I’ll teach it to your troupe. I’ve met so many dance choreographers that do this - it’s soo incredible. I would love it. 3. I’d love to eventually write books. Ever since I was a kid, I’d write fiction tales about myself and how my first book signing would feel and be like, what kind of books I would write, I would practice in front of 50 bears my television interviews about my books and everything. (I’m a dork, I know) 4. I’d plant myself in some crazy community that I fell in love with, but it wouldn’t tie me down, either… I would find myself in love with many communities and visit, pour my life/heart into and somehow in someway better myself and others through art. I’ve never really felt a part of just one community my whole life - why start now? I’ve always felt like a bridge. I’ve been told that by many people, too… and well, I guess I was just made for that. It’s odd. It’s uncomfortable. It’s rewarding. It’s heart wrenching. It’s lonely. It’s constant transition. It’s… beautiful. 5. I know things are going on across the country and the world like this already - so either I would jump on the bandwagon or create my own - but I would love to connect artists. Oh, gracious, the things we all could do with similar vision. The crazzzy things we could do! I can’t go into that, but that’s just a taste of thought : )

…all of what I just said is feasible. Wow, I’ve never really got this out of my head before typed or written like this. Nice.

Things are already happening. I have two art schools in mind. One in San Francisco and one in Savannah. Both excellent. Neither have dance. Hm. Dilemma. Maybe I don’t have to go to college for dance? Even minoring in it? Hmm. I’ve got some great friends who have taken me on as a project… yes, me. They said my art has incredible potential and they dedicate their lives to helping young artists (that would be me). I’m connected in St. Louis, Chicago, Brooklyn, Seattle, SF, LA, Houston, Dallas, Nashville, Richmond, Columbus, Tampa, Charlotte, Charlottesville, Lexington, Louisville, Portland, Canada, London, Belfast, Minneapolis, Jackson, Birmingham… and it’s all happening for a reason.

I’m not sure of what else to say here or where to go with this. I’ve said a lot… probably too much… but I’ll just take the liberty in blaming that on being too tired after a 12hr day (mmhmm). Bottom line, I’m obsessed with loving people. Hearing their stories. Sharing mine when the time is right. Walking through this journey not alone. Being silent. Speaking. Truly seeing. Creating. Feeling time and the earth rotate ever so slowly… writing my silly thoughts in odd forms of which, sometimes, I call poetry. Waking up. Smelling morning. Hating cold feet on the carpet. Loving the solitude at 3am - and wishing I didn’t love it so much. Hot tea after a hard days work. A cleansing rain that I not only feel on my skin, but in my veins. Searching for beauty in the defiled, beauty where others see nothing. The soul. The eyes. Hearts colliding… if only for a moment in time. Breathing. Seeing your breath in the winter. Climbing trees. (Where am I going with this? Oh well) The sense I get when the seasons change… and how I feel like I’m changing with them. The journey between girl and woman. Never having enough money and accepting it. Realizing that materialism is absolutely ridiculous. Having somewhat of a nudist mindset (haha). Deja Vu. Realizing how small I am, how small we all are. Enjoying a beautiful piece of music. Being held and feeling secure. Being held and feeling unsure. Getting to know God and realizing how much He knows me. (Okay, I’m done).

Feel free to post thoughts, concerns, encouragement - whatever. There’s more on my mind but I just don’t want to spill it all at once. This is part of it. All I can say is that I’ve knocked on doors and some have closed, some have cracked and some are swinging wide open. I feel God moving in my life and mann what a privilege that is.

I can’t explain it.

-L

the cobalt season and daniel dixon adorn the silence tonight.