Elle Effect Photography

Eh, eh, eh, eh, ehhhh. I think I’ve gotten used to being lonely. I finally realized it tonight. I’ve been.. lonely for so, so long- it’s become the normal. The usual. The, eh, everyday ordeal.

Goodmorning, Lauren- it’s me again, Loneliness. Let me wrap my ‘comfortable’ blanket around you. I’ll be following close behind you today. I’ll get your attention from time to time when you hear beautiful love songs, when you see beautiful couples, when you remember what it felt like to be held- and eventually, help you forget how it felt to be held by someone who really cares…

It’s a pretty lowsy existance I live some days. Tonight is one of those nights. Today has honestly been one of those days. I really, really don’t want to hide anymore. Please, will you help me and break through it? I’ve been so used to hiding because I had no choice but to hide for so very long, it’s become routine. I can’t tell you how much I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I can’t say it enough.

Tonight, I turn up the acoustic “comfort” mixes I have made for myself. I’ll close my eyes and daydream. Leave my room and live the most beautiful adventure. And also, tonight my heart is in the balance…

I long to be held, but… I don’t want to be touched. I want to keep my distance… but… I so desperately want it. It’s a battle with myself. A battle with the fear of letting go into the unknown. Having no idea if I’ll fall to my death or I’ll be caught by someone waiting for me. I’m doing by best to be active in the waiting- but I’m beginning to pace. Back and forth.. back and forth.. back and forth. How much longer will I have to wait until I give all my love? Give my beautiful, mess of a heart away? I think because I have this mindset of “waiting” it’s keeping me from could very well be right in front of me. He could be right there and I would have no idea… because I’m ‘waiting’. I’m not making sense. Heh. I won’t let my guard fully down because I’m scared to give my heart when I drop it.. I have so much to give.. sigh.

Oh God, oh God-
I want to hear Your voice.
…but am I blocking it out?
Am I ignoring you?
No. I don’t believe I am.
I pray I’m not… sigh.
Tell me where to go..
Tell me who to love..
Tell me when to speak..
Tell me when to be silent..
Tell me when it’s safe to be..
Tell me when I’ll be truly free..
Tell me…
Just, tell me..
Will You?
I beg of You.
I beg of You…

My friend Brittany today reminded me that this world isn’t our home. Simple truth, but overlooked. We were at a gas station- you know, getting gas- and we turned up our music as loud as possible to annoy those around us. We also danced outside of an abandoned, old school and did the same thing (hilarious, great responses, haha)… uh.. I had a point to this. Haha. Anyway, we don’t feel like we belong here. We don’t fit in (a given). We’re just… different. Not that we really strive to be different, we just… are. It’s who we are. We’re loners of sorts. We’re looking for a place to be satisfied. But, we’re not satisfied anywhere we seem to go. We say, “maybe if we just move to another state, another place, new people, new everything” we’d be somewhat more satisfied and fulfilled. Umm- we had the rude awakening that no- we won’t. We won’t ever be fully satsified here.

[note/random insert: fully satisfied = makarios in greek. I love that word.]

So, realizing that we won’t be fully satisfied until we are truly home in Heaven (which is honestly a beautiful, yet frightening, thought for some reason). So, yeah. Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts. (I think I like repeating myself three times, just to make sure you get it. Or, I get it. Or, something.)

And…

Will someone just break in? Invade me? Teach me how to no longer hide… to drop my guard…safely?… and with guarding my heart as well? bgvkjnx.

my mountains:

PS- I have some pretty neat pictures to share soon. Watch out. Didn’t feel like posting them tonight.